Your One Stop-Shopping For Pirate Solutions

*Editor's Note:* I wanted to direct your attention to Missy Takano's blog. Missy is the sister of one of my best friends, Ben Van Meter. Her last name used to be Missy until she turned Japanese.

At any rate, Missy has some good thoughts about the International Piracy issue developing off the coast of Somalia. She's proposed some real, workable solutions. The following is my comment to her.

Missy,

I'm sorry. Your post was too violent for me to read. I think in the future you should tell people before they read it that it's rated ARRRRRRR.

(I am so sorry I made that joke).

But seriously, my favorite line: It’s hard to fire off a grenade launcher when your hand is impaled by a well-delivered shuriken.

Second favorite line: (and scurvy, because the parrots will eat all the fruit).

Ahh, the good old "Let's Deprive Them of Vitamin C and after a few months and they're tired and lethargic, let's see how good a fight they put up" strategy.

Other thoughts: why not send a Kraken? Perhaps that's too risky and unpredictable. You never know what you're going to get - kind of like trying to work with the Frankenstein, the Hulk, or Rosie O'Donnel.

Or we could send a swarm of those uber-smart, genetically-modified Mako sharks from the movie "Deep Blue Sea." (side note: I am still mad at them for not eating LL Cool J when they had the chance.)

Speaking of music, why not surround the pirate ships with giant boats with massive speakers, and play Barry Manilow non-stop. Hey, if it works on unruly teens in Australia...

Of course, if things get really desperate, we will switch from the easy-listening sounds of Barry Manilow to something more insidious. Milli Vanilli, perhaps, Ace of Base, or...even...*gulp* TubThumping by ChumbaWumba.

We'll have to check with the US District Attorney to ensure that's not some sort of violation of Geneva Convention regulations or Maritime code. For example, I know it is illegal to play the song "Barbie Girl" in international waters. But we can come up with something. Billy Ray Cyrus, or Barbara Streisand's version of "Jingle Bells" or something.

Missy, you and I should really be commissioned by our commander-in-chief President Obama to form a Piracy Neutralization Task Force. I know that we could solve this problem just by working HAARRRRR-D.

DAT