What's Really Important: What I Got For Christmas 2004

December 26, 2004

Despite all the attempts to secularize and commercialize Christmas, there still remains something of that original Spirit of Christmas. This is nowhere more aptly illustrated than in the continuing tradition of giving gifts to those we love. This symbolizes, of course, goodwill toward others, selflessness, and most of all, hope. Hope. Hope that if you give someone a pretty good gift (a $50 gift certificate to Home Depot) that the person won’t reciprocate with a dumb, stupid gift (a pair of dress socks).

This is truly the spirit of Christmas: we give, but oh, we hope that we get good stuff back in return. We’re selfless, but underneath that thin veneer of altruism and benevolence, we better be getting that iPod, dammit.

I’m kidding. Sort of.

But in the spirit of Christmas, I thought I would celebrate the Top 5 gifts that I received this year, as a way to celebrate the love and generosity of those loved ones who blessed me with the gift, and as a way to gloat.

6. Boxer shorts
It has been a tradition in my home for the past 15 years that every Christmas, my mother presents me with several pair of boxer shorts. This is how I restock my stash. I think it’s great, and don’t see any problem with the fact that my mother continues to gird my loins.

5. Michigan Sweatshirt
For the past two years since my wife and I have been married, my wife’s family (who are all from Michigan) attempt to proselytize me with their pro-Michigan, Go Blue rhetoric. Being from Ohio, and growing up living near the banks of the mighty Olentangy River which runs by The Horseshoe, I am having none of it. But because I live in California, and all the people I meet seem convinced that the world’s best football is played in the Pac-10, there is a certain reminiscent longing I have for the Big 10 schools. It’s like when you’re in Europe, and you meet someone from Indiana. You’re like, "Hey, I’m from Ohio, but that’s close enough." So I secretly love the fact that every year, I get a high-quality, officially licensed sweatshirt from the University of Michigan. But don’t tell them.

4. Classic Pooh Stuffed Animals
Growing up, as a little girl, my wife loved Classic Pooh. Not the Disney Winnie the Pooh who is the Pooh you’re probably more familiar with. No, my wife calls that Pooh the "fake pooh, with the red shirt and the old man’s voice." She says that with a certain amount of disdain in her voice, talking about New Pooh in the same way you might talk about telemarketers or dishonest mechanics. She contends that bears don’t wear shirts. Of course, they also don’t hang out with pigs and tigers and donkeys in British forests, but I don’t mention that.

Anyway, Classic Pooh does not wear clothes, and is drawn roughly, as in the original illustrations of A.A. Milne. When my wife told me that she wanted to have a Classic Pooh theme for our baby, I grew worried. But then a legal war over the rights to Pooh broke out between Disney and A.A. Milne’s heirs, and strapped for cash, A.A. Milne’s family sold some of the licensing rights for Classic Pooh to Target, who now has (and I am not making this up) an entire line of Classic Pooh. Tell me God is not sovereign. My wife wants Classic Pooh, God gives her Classic Pooh. Of course, this might seem that I am implying that God works through the massive trademark legal battles of a multi-national media conglomerate. To which I reply, hey, God works in mysterious ways. And if someone suing Disney brings glory to God, uh…let’s not go down that theological road.

Anyway, to make a long story short, Nicole and I got a lot of Classic Pooh loot, which I am honestly very thrilled about. For example, her mother got us all four of the Classic Pooh Plush Doll Collection, which includes Pooh, Tigger, Piglet and Eeyore. They are adorable and soft. I will put these on a shelf in the baby’s room, and it will make it so cute that people will physically hurt when they see it, because of the overwhelming cuteness of it all. Even the strongest of men will be brought to their knees by the power of the cuteness.

3. Griddle
I say this as an illustration of what marriage is like. I gave my wife, this year, the heartily romantic gift of cabinets. Our garage has been a mild disaster zone since we moved in, mainly because we have a ton of room, but no shelves to put anything. So, I spent some hours patching up the drywall along the back wall of the garage. I retexturing it with plaster, sanded it down, primed it and painted it. Then, I went to a couple stores and looked for shelving units that were on sale. I then bought these for my wife, somehow managed to transport them home in my Camry (note to self: Camry does not equal Pick-up truck) and when I get home, I will spend some more hours assembling them. In return for this, my wife bought me a griddle and some socks.

2. Framed lithographs of Classic Pooh Illustrations
Probably the coolest thing that we got this year, in terms of Classic Pooh loot were these gorgeous framed lithographs featuring the classic illustrations of A.A. Milne’s beloved characters. These feature Piglet and Pooh picnicking on a blanket, Tigger and Pooh and Piglet "adventuring" with Christopher Robin, and Piglet and Pooh walking hand in hand. Although this might sound silly, I think this might help reinforce the importance of authentic, deep friendship, which really is the best thing on this earth.

1. Picture of my mom and dad
My mom and dad went to a professional photography studio called Olin Mills and had their portrait taken. It’s a stunningly handsome shot of my mom and dad, and they gave us a 5x7 of it, framed in a lovely silver faux pewter frame. We plan on putting that picture, along with pictures of the other two sets of grandparents, on corner shelves in the baby’s room. Most babies don’t have six grandparents. I was spoiled out of my mind with three, so I can’t imagine what six will be like. It’s good to have pictures around. It’s even better to have the actual people there, though.