Funny Employee Reviews: How To Know You Stink At Your Job

A close friend/mentor of mine wrote me an email asking me to write him a letter of recommendation because he's going for his Doctorate of Education up at George Fox University in Oregon. I was honored, mostly because it's an easy assignment for me to write a letter attesting to this guy's intelligence. I think he chose me because he knows that I'm quite a gifted writer. Some people have a way with words and other people...well...don't, I guess.

At any rate, I was going to try to write a letter of rec for fun for my buddy filled with malapropisms and misuses of big words so that the letter was actually the *opposite* of a rec letter. But my brain isn't on yet. So while I work on that, here are some funny employee reviews that made me chuckle.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a 'has been', but more of a definite 'wont be'."

"Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming."

"Has two brains: One is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

"Its hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."

"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."