50 Worst Movies of All Time

I'm not saying this list of the 50 Worst Movies of All Time, taken from RottenTomatoes.com, is accurate. I'm just saying it's hilarious. Here are my three favorite caustic assessments of some of the worst movies of all time.


Number 11: Zoom
Starring: Tim Allen, Courteney Cox, Michael Cassidy
Release Date: Aug 11, 2006

Whatever the terms of the Faustian bargain Tim Allen seems to have made with the forces of darkness, they must have been satisfied with the release of "Zoom." Imagine, if you will, a "comedy" about youthful superheroes whose training is shepherded by a washed-up old character named Captain Zoom (played, with an appropriate lack of conviction, by Allen). Courteney Cox, who must have been tricked into the role, and Chevy Chase, who must have some horrendous gambling debts, are also inexplicably involved; the whole thing is set to grueling new songs from Smash Mouth, who had to have taken at least six days away from playing bar mitzvahs and supermarket grand openings to record the soundtrack.

Number 9: Master of Disguise
Starring: Dana Carvey, Brent Spiner, Jennifer Esposito
Release Date: Aug 2, 2002

Poor Dana Carvey. His "Saturday Night Live" bits remain some of the funniest in the show's history, yet his post-"SNL" years have been spent wandering in a vast, terrifying, creative wilderness. Carvey battled his way back from a life-threatening health scare before filming "The Master of Disguise," which probably gave him the added perspective necessary to deal with the reams of negative reviews that followed. It's tempting to miss Carvey, and to wish he'd make more movies, but watching -- or even thinking about -- a movie in which the erstwhile comedian plays a character named Pistachio Disguisey makes it easier to resist that temptation. Fare thee well, gentle funnyman -- at least we'll always have "Na ga da it."

Number 4: Pinocchio
Starring: Roberto Benigni, Carlo Guiffre, Nicoletta Braschi
Release Date: Dec 25, 2002

It's altogether likely that there have been more sudden, precipitous falls from grace in cinema than the one Roberto Benigni suffered between "Life is Beautiful" and "Pinocchio," but none spring to mind. In any event, this film undoubtedly marks the first (and last) time an Academy award-winning actor chose to follow the greatest triumph of his career by dressing up in pink pajamas and playing a boy carved from a log. Atrocious dubbing compounded the movie's problems for American audiences, but no matter which country you were unfortunate enough to see it in, "Pinocchio" featured a 50-year-old man in the title role.