Your Baby's Arm is Falling Off? Oh, That's Normal.

So yesterday Nicole and I went to our fifth class at Kaiser Permanente. This one was on infant care. I mention this because during the presentation, the attending nurse was a little flaky. I'm not saying she was stupid. I'm sure she is very intelligent. I just grew concerned when it came time to introduce herself, and she had to glance down at her notes.

Anyway, she told us that she was going to be showing us some slides of some pictures she had. The first thought I had was, "Uhh, the 1970s called. They want their technology back."

Then she started flipping through these various pictures of newborn babies with various congenital issues. Some of the pictures were a bit...uh...gross. The Nurse Who Forgot Her Name gave us running commentary of these pictures which seemed to be of babies with some real problems.

"This is a rash that extends over the baby's back and buttocks and legs," she said, as the smallish crowd of 18 couples all winced collectively at the crimson patches on the child.

"Does it itch?" a guy asked from the back. "I mean, does it hurt the baby?"

"No, no. This is actually quite common. We see it quite often with newborns."

She clicked ahead.

"And this is a baby with white ashy skin."

The baby seemed to be covered in white lotion. Again, we all squinted and recoiled slightly into the backs of our chairs.

"This, too, is quite common. It's nothing to worry about. It normally clears up in a few days."

She clicked ahead.

"This baby's head is slighly deformed from passage through the birth canal," the nurse said, showing us a picture of a kid who looked like he was wearing a dunce cap underneath his scalp.

"This is to be expected as well. It's very common."

She clicked.

"Here, this baby's lips are cracked and have some blisters. It's from sucking on their thumb, actually in utero. This is more common than you'd think. It's not a problem."

She showed us about 100 more pictures. Each time we were camly assured that the condition - though visually frightening - was nothing out of the ordinary. It seemed like she was implying that anything we saw, no matter how out-of-the-ordinary, was actually quite common, and certainly nothing to worry about.

Irritated scalp? Happens very frequently.
Cross-eyed? We see this often.
Pimples? Clears right up. Nothing unusual.
Swollen nipples? More common than you'd think.
Excessively dry skin? Very common.
Red and swollen testicles? Not out of the ordinary.
Head on backwards: Almost to be expected.
Nine fingers on each hand: That clears right up.

Now, I'm not one to be cynical, but it almost seemed like the Kaiser was recommending NOT to ever come to the doctor's office. Which I sort of understand, because new parents are probably pretty likely to over-react, and run to the ER if a baby sneezes too hard.

It kind of reminded me of a really funny skit Garrison Keillor did a few months ago. It's called "A Message from your HMO Insurance Provider."

You can read or listen to it here.