Hail February!

Tell me this creature isn't horrifying.

I heard the most terrifying news today.

I only heard bits and pieces of it driving to work today, so I’ll try to make sense of it as information becomes available. But this is what I’ve been able to piece together through various wire reports and other media broadcasts.

Apparently, there is a groundhog - known only by the curiously anthropomorphic name of “Phil” - who emerged from his den the other day. Normally, this is not an event of particular news significance. After all, if the newscasters had to keep track of the hibernation patterns of every mammal in North America, they’d hardly have time to single-handedly decide the American Presidential race.

But back to this “Phil.” Apparently, this groundhog saw his own shadow, was startled, and then retreated into his lair. Again, under normal circumstances, this would only reveal that said animal is dim-witted. But no! Apparently, this event has a far-reaching impact on many of the states of the USA and its citizens. This groundhog’s decision to retreat underground has apparently set in motion unalterable conditions which will disrupt the Earth’s natural seasonal pattern by prolonging the time that the Earth’s upper hemisphere is tilted away from the sun.

The horror!

That cursed, God-forsaken groundhog has brought upon the heartland another six weeks of freezing arctic temperatures. This raises serious concerns for me. Forget about that “Giant Asteroid Hitting the Earth” concern that I had in the summer of 1998. Now, the human race is faced with a new threat - rodents with the power to control Earth’s weather patterns.

The mere existence of this small, furry mammal in Pennsylvania who can affect the climate of America for nearly a month and a half forces us to ask ourselves many questions. How did he get that kind of power? What is the range of this evil rodent’s powers? Are there others like him. What happens if a badger in New Hampshire sees its reflection, or - and I shudder to think - if a wolverine in Vermont sees some other refraction of natural light. Does the sun black out for 12 days or something?

Yet, strangely, the newscasters are silent on all these issues. This is a definite plot, I say!

Regardless, the power of these creatures is unmistakable. Why just this morning, I saw frost on the windshield of my car. I fear that this “White Death” is just the beginning! I have read of the plague of the locusts. And the frogs. But the groundhogs?

The Apocalypse is now!

Yes, February is the strangest month of all. But, putting aside momentarily the all-encompassing fear about the omnipotent groundhogs that populate this Earth, at least we get a Federal Holiday or two this month. I am especially looking forward to President’s Day.

President’s Day rocks. First of all, the name of the holiday is a bit misleading. It’s not a day where we celebrate ALL the Presidents, as the nomenclature for the holiday would suggest. We only make a hoopla about two, really. Lincoln and Washington. This enrages me. What kind of message does this send to our children? I’ll tell you what message it sends. It says to them: Children. There’s no real reason to celebrate James K. Polk.

This is an outrage.

Personally, if I were an elementary school principal, I would change the spirit of the holiday to include those lesser-known heroes of American Politics. So, in the shameless tradition of stealing ideas I first came across while watching cartoons, I would have the grade-schoolers put on a musical production that pays homage to those statesmen who lay in the long-forgotten dust bin of history.

I would have the children dress up, and put on a darling and very informative musical production which I call:

The Inconsequential Presidents

The opening number would open with the fanfare appropriate for the highest elected officials of our nation.

da, da, da, da, da, da

We’re the inconsequential presidents,
Our mark on history ain’t that great,
Inconsequential presidents,
We’re really second-rate!

So celebrate the history,
Our sub-par legacy!
The only times you’ll hear our names
Is if you watch Jeopardy!

bum, bum, bum, bum - bum, bum, bum, bum
Come meet the men who served our nation,
Although you’d never know,
For all intents and purposes,
They were historical no-shows.

They don’t have a monument,
Their faces aren’t on our cash
Because there really isn’t anything
Noteworthy in their past
brrrum bum bum bum… brrummm bum bum bum

I’m Pierce! I’m Taft! I’m Fillmore!
I’m Rutherford B. Hayes!
I’m William Henry Harrison,
I died in 30 days!

Conclude with patriotic drum roll and melodramatic third grader’s reading of some choice excepts from Chester A. Arthur’s inaugural address

A work of art, I say.

Ahh, February. If it’s not furry woodland creatures controlling the sun, it’s Warren G. Harding.