Top 90 Most Important Books in American Literature

The following list was sent to me by the College Board. It's a list of works of literature that they recommend that AP English Literature teachers teach. The methodology in this list, which is always kind of suspect in a subjective list such as this - is that college professors were polled and asked what works they were most likely to teach in their freshman classes. Then, the College Board looked at the number of times a work was mentioned in the Free Response section of the AP Lit test. Each star represents 10 mentions by professors/educators. No work with less than 10 mentions made the list, apparently.

I've only read 22 of these. Which makes me pretty pathetic, as an English teacher.

*Note: the management of this site in no way endorses this list or any assumptions therein*

TOP NOVELS
Invisible Man – Ralph Ellison – 15 stars
A Light in August – William Faulkner – 9 stars
Huckleberry Finn – Mark Twain – 9 stars
Moby Dick – Herman Melville – 9 stars
The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald – 8 stars
The Awakening - Kate Chopin – 8 stars
Billy Budd – Herman Melville – 7 stars
Catch 22 – Joseph Heller – 7 stars
The Scarlet Letter – Nathaniel Hawthorne – 6 stars
Native Son – Richard Wright – 6 stars
Raisin in the Sun – Lorraine Hansberry – 6 stars
The Glass Menagerie – Tennessee Williams – 5 stars
The Color Purple – Alice Walker - 5 stars
Ceremony – Leslie Marmon Silko – 5 stars
As I Lay Dying – William Faulkner – 5 stars
Their Eyes Were Watching God – Zora Neale Hurston – 5 stars

4 Stars
Beloved – Toni Morrison
Song of Solomon – Toni Morrison
The Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
Turn of the Screw – Henry James

3 stars
Death of a Salesman – Arthur Miller
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? – Edward Albee
The Sound and the Fury – Willaim Faulkner
The Sun Also Rises – Ernest Hemingway
A Streetcar Named Desire – Tennessee Williams
Sula – Toni Morrison

2 stars
The Zoo Story – Edward Albee
Bless Me Ultima – Rudolfo Anaya
Go Tell It on the Mountain – James Baldwin
An American Tragedy – Theodore Dreiser
Absalom, Absalom – William Faulkner
House of Seven Gables – Nathaniel Hawthorne
Little Foxes – Lillian Hellman
A Farewell to Arms – Ernest Hemingway
J.B. - Archibald MacLeish
All the King’s Men – Robert Penn Warren
The Crucible – Arthur Miller
Ethan Frome – Edith Wharton
The Age of Innocence – Edith Wharton
The Piano Lesson – August Wilson

1 star
The Dollmaker – Harriette Arnow
Monkey Bridge – Lan Cao
My Antonio – Willa Cather
Love Medicine – Louise Erdrich
The Bear – William Faulkner
A Gathering of Old Men – Ernest Gaines
A Lesson Before Dying - Ernest Gaines
Trifles – Susan Glaspell
Snow Falling on Cedars – David Guterson
Washington Square – Henry James
Typical American – Gish Jen
The Autobiography of an Ex-colored Man – James Johnson
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey
Woman Warrior – Maxine Hong Kingston
Separate Peace – John Knowles
Native Speaker – Chang-rae Lee
Angela’s Ashes – Frank McCourt
Armies of the Night – Norman Mailer
All the Pretty Horses – Cormac McCarthy
The Member of the Wedding – Carson McCullers
Benito Cereno – Herman Melville
A View From the Bridge – Arthur Miller
House Made of Dawn – N. Scott Momaday
The Bluest Eye - Toni Morrison
Jasmine – Bharati Muhkerjee
Going After Cacciato – Tim O’Brien
The Things They Carried – Tim O’Brien
In the Lake of the Woods – Tim O’Brien
Wise Blood – Flannery O’Connor
Long Day’s Journey Into Night – Eugene O’Neill
Mourning Becomes Electra – Eugene O’Neill
The Hairy Ape – Eugene O’Neill
Agnes of God – John Pielmeier
Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
The Shipping News - E. Annie Proulx
The Catcher in the Rye – J.D. Salinger
Uncle Tom’s Cabin – Harriet Beecher Stowe
Civil Disobedience – Henry David Thoreau
Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant – Anne Tyler
The Centaur – John Updike
Slaughterhouse Five – Kurt Vonnegut
Winter in the Blood – James Welch
Delta wedding – Eudora Welty
The Optimist’s Daughter – Eudora Welty
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof – Tennessee Williams
Desire Under the Elms – Tennessee Williams
Fences – August Wilson
Joe Turner’s Come and Gone – August Wilson
You Can’t Go Home Again – Thomas Wolfe

Memorial Day: Honor the Troops, Not Necessarily the War

This past weekend, I read the novel Snow Falling on Cedars by David Guterson.

The novel is set in the Pacific Northwest, where a Japanese-American is on trial for the murder of a fisherman. The ensuing trial brings out the racial tension between the white people on the island and their Japanese-American neighbors.

The novel's strength is in its complexity: the citizens of Japanese descent have good reasons to hate their white neighbors, many of whom took advantage of them when they were shipping off to internment camps in Manzanar, California. And the white folks have some good reasons to fear the Japanese, since many of the young men went off to fight in the pacific campaigns against the Japanese. Fighting past stereotypes and prejudice is difficult when faced with such extreme life experiences.

So there's understandable hatred and fear and both sides. The trick is getting past it. Some do. Most don't.

One of the novel's more harrowing passages is when Guterson chronicles a story of the invasion of the small pacific island of Betio, in which on the main characters, Ishmael, has to fight. The horrifying description reminded me, again, of the horrors of war and how many men in my grandfather's generation fought in WWII. Many didn't return.

It's difficult for me, sometimes, to not get angry at the very idea of war. It's a terrible thing. Necessary, perhaps, but terrible. I was given a list by the College Board last week of 20th Century American novels that they most recommend teaching in AP English. It's amazing how many of these novels were birthed from the minds of men who came back from war unable to deal with the horror and psychological chaos and moral ambiguity they encountered. From Joseph Heller's Catch 22 to Arthur Miller's All My Sons to Ernest Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms to Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse 5 to Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried.

I balk sometimes, at the current war in Iraq. I wonder at the wisdom of it. And my uneasiness with this was made even more pronounced this weekend. A lot of churches had services this past Sunday that honored Memorial Day. For a little while, I was a bit uneasy because it seemed a bit like they're honoring the idea of war, or this current war.

But then I realized that there is a difference between supporting the troops and supporting the war. This helped me a great deal because I have no difficulty praying for healing, hope and safety of our veterans, both present and past.

I just hoped that Pastors made that distinction.

American Voters Once Again Prove They Are Really Stupid

Bo lost.

Bo. Lost.

Of course, the word "lost" here is pretty relative. Bo lost In the same way that the NBA's second draft pick loses. Or, more pointedly, in the same way that Clay Aiken lost. Which is, of course, not really at all.

But I have to admit, I'm disappointed. It's not that I don't like Carrie - I do. It's just that I didn't want to see another really pretty girl who does power ballads win. I mean, we already have Kelly Clarkson. Let's get a long-haired rocker. You know? Even the gender would have made sense. Girl. Boy. Girl. Boy.

I'm sort of ashamed to admit it, but late Tuesday night, after I'd watched the taped hour-long show, I found out that phone lines were going to be open for four hours. So I voted for Bo.

27 times.

Apparently the margin for victory was close, but my 27 votes weren't enough to push Bo over into the "victors" column. Maybe one more call? My buddy Jonathan was saying that he believed it would be pretty easy to write a script on your computer to call the hotlline numbers automatically. I agree, and would cry "foul" on behalf of Bo's camp - that perhaps someone from Carrie's fan base devised a clever computer program to help her cheat to win. But then I realized Carrie is from Oklahoma (official motto: Does your state have a musical named after it? Does it?). I'm not even sure they have geeks in Oklahoma. DSL to them probably refers to the Dairy School Library.

Okay, that was a stupid.

I'm sorry, Bo. I feel as though I let you down. I'll make it up to you by buying your album the day it comes out and then illegally downloading Carrie's.

I promise.

"Times Roman Font Announces Shortage of Periods" by Steve Martin: Hilarious Look at Punctuation

The following essay was originally in the New Yorker in 1999. I had forgotten about it until I started listening to his most recent audio book. The man is a genius writer. He really is.

Representatives of the popular Times Roman font recently announced a shortage of periods and have offered substitutes - such as inverted commas, exclamation marks, and semicolons - until the crisis is overcome by people such as yourself, who through creative management of surplus punctuation can perhaps allay the constant demand for periods, whose heavy usage in the last ten years (not only in English but in virtually every language in the world) is creating a burden on writers everywhere, thus generating a litany of comments, among them: "What the hell am I supposed to do without my periods? How am I going to write? Isn't this a terrible disaster? Are they crazy? Won't this just lead to misuse of other, less interesting punctuation???"

"Most vulnerable are writers who work in short, choppy sentences," said a spokesperson for Times Roman, who continued, "We are trying to remedy the situation and have suggested alternatives, like umlauts, since we have plenty of umlauts - and, in fact, have more umlauts than we could possible use in a lifetime! Don't forget, umlauts can really spice up a page with their delicate symmetry - resting often midway in a word, letters spilling on either side - and not only indicate the pronunciation of a word but also contribute to a writer's greater glory because they're fancy, not to mention that they even look like periods, indeed, are indistinguishable from periods, and will lead casual readers to believe that the article actually contains periods!"

Bobby Brainard, a writer living in an isolated cabin in Montana - who is, in fact, the only writer living in an isolated cabin in Montana who is not insane - is facing a dilemma typical of writers across the nation: "I have a sentence that has just got to be stopped; it is currently sixteen pages long and is edging out the front door and is now so lumbering I'm starting to worry that one period alone won't be enough - that I'll need at least two to finally kill it off - and if that doesn't work, I've ordered an elephant gun from Jessie's, and if I don't get some periods fast I'm going to have to use it..." The magazine International Hebrew has offered this emergency statement: "We currently have an oversupply of backwards periods and will be happy to send some to Mister Brainard or anyone else facing a crisis!" .period backwards the in slip you while moment a for way other the look to sentence the getting is trick only The

The general concern of writers is summed up by this brief telegram:

Period shortage mustn't continue stop

Stop-stoppage must come to a full stop stop

We must resolve it and stop the stoppage stop

Yours truly,

Tom Stoppard

Needless to say, there has been an increasing pressure on the ellipsis...

"I assure to you," said the spokesperson, "I assure you the ellipsis is not - repeat, is not - just three periods strung together, and, although certain writers have plundered the ellipsis for its dots, such dots are deeply inelegant and ineffective when used to stop a sentence! ¿An ellipsis point is too weak to stop a modern sentence, which would require at least two ellipsis points, leaving the third dot to stand alone pointlessly - and, indeed, two periods at the end of a sentence would look like a typo, comprende? And why is Times Roman so important? Why can't writers employ some of our other, lesser-used fonts, such as Goofy Deluxe, Namby Pamby Extra Narrow, or Gone Fishin'?"

In fact, there is movement toward alternate puncuation; consider the New Punctuation and Suicide Cult in Southern Texas, whose credo is "Why not try some new and different kinds of punctuation and then kill ourselves?" Notice how these knotty epigrams from Shakespeare are easily unravelled:

Every cloud engenders not a storm

Horatio, I am dead

Remembering the Albertus Extra Bold asterisk embargo of several years back, one hopes the crisis is solved quickly, because a life of exclamation marks, no matter how superficially exciting, is no life at all! There are, of course, many other fonts one could use if the crisis continues, but frankly, which would you rather be faced with - Namby Pamby Extra Narrow or the bosomy sexuality of Times Roman? The shortage itself may be a useful one, provided it's over quickly, for it has made at least this author appreciate and value his one spare period, and it is with great respect that I use it now.

Imagine....

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Business Week Studies Mega-Churches: Is Bigger Necessarily Better?

I found an interesting article the other day in Business Week. It was titled Earthly Empires and it focused on how some of the largest churches in America are experiencing unprecedented growth largely by following tried-and-true business models.

Joel Osteen, pastor of the largest church in American, Lakewood Church in Houston, has had so much growth in recent years that his church can barely keep up. The article reports that:

Osteeen is laying out $90 million to transform the massive Compaq Center in downtown Houston -- former home of the NBA's Houston Rockets -- into a church that will seat 16,000, complete with a high-tech stage for his TV shows and Sunday School for 5,000 children. After it opens in July, he predicts weekend attendance will rocket to 100,000. Says Osteen: "Other churches have not kept up, and they lose people by not changing with the times."

Now this, on one hand, is simply fabulous. I mean, 100,000 people. That's astounding. And the more people, more chance of actual transformation and change. That can't be a bad thing.

And I think a main reason why so many people don't actually believe in Christ is not because of Christ, but because they've never been presented with the message and story of Christ in a way that seems relevant or meaningful to their lives. I think a large part is the failure of the Church. Though I suppose, lot of folks could disagree with me.

But what bothered me most was this paragraph in the article:

As they thrive, though, there are growing tensions, with some mainline Protestants offended by their conservative politics and brazen marketing. "Jesus was not a capitalist; check out what [He] says about how hard it is to get into heaven if you're a rich man," says the Reverend Robert W. Edgar, general secretary of the liberal National Council of Churches.

Especially controversial are leaders like Osteen and the flamboyant Creflo A. Dollar, pastor of World Changers Church International in College Park, Ga., who preach "the prosperity gospel." They endorse material wealth and tell followers that God wants them to be prosperous. In his book, Osteen talks about how his wife, Victoria, a striking blonde who dresses fashionably, wanted to buy a fancy house some years ago, before the money rolled in. He thought it wasn't possible. "But Victoria had more faith," he wrote. "She convinced me we could live in an elegant home...and several years later, it did come to pass." Dollar, too, defends materialistic success. Dubbed "Pass-the-Dollar" by critics, he owns two Rolls Royces and travels in a Gulfstream 3 jet. "I practice what I preach, and the Bible says...that God takes pleasure in the prosperity of his servants," says Dollar, 43, nattily attired in French cuffs and a pinstriped suit.

Now, in terms of MegaChurches, I'm a huge fan of some of them. WillowCreek Church in South Barrington, Ill. is a place I love to attend. Every time I go there, I come out so amped for God's, it's amazing. I've been there for about four conferences, and each time, I come out just weeping. I get the feeling like they're really struggling to deal with what it means to be multi-ethnic, and apolitical and a force for good to the needy in the Chicago community. There is nothing in the messages presented by that church that makes me anything other than proud to be a Christ-follower.

But on the other hand, I'm a little leary of the idea of using marketing tactics. I mean, is that okay? Does God really need to use marketing techniques to grow His church? Are people "demographics?" Are cities nothing more than "target populations" with capitalistic cravings the church can use (some might say exploit) for the sake of the Gospel?

Is big necessarily better? If an organism is growing, then it's healthy. So if your church isn't growing, are you doing something wrong?

I'm not interested in throwing stones at other congregations I know nothing about. But as a member of a church, I am interested in figuring out how to be the most effective in my community.

I'm interested to hear what you think.

Apparently, I Stink at Talking to High School Students

Tonight, I was a guest speaker for a youth group where my buddy is the youth pastor. My friend is on vacation with his lovely wife, and he asked me to fill in. Now, I'm a high school English teacher. And I feel as though I have a very strong working relationship with my students, who are high school seniors. I thought it'd be easy, seeing as how I'm fairly versed in speaking to high school students.

Boy, was I wrong.

The kids were roaming around, talking on their cell phones, having side conversations, leaving the room, coming in and out of the auditorium, etc, etc, etc. I felt like a Substitute Teacher.

Now I don't know exactly how my friend, the Youth Pastor handles this, but it was driving me nuts. I was talking about your "Spiritual Temperature" and how you can be either hot, cold or lukewarm and at one point, this girl just gets up and takes out her cell phone and begins walking toward the double door exit. And I was like, "And maybe you're interested in hearing what God has to say to you and you're not getting up now to leave the room and talk on your cell phone. Raiders jersey. Black sweatpants."

And everyone kind of turned around, pretty surprised that I put her on blast like that.

No one else got up the rest of the message.

So that worked.

I think the main reason I failed so miserably is that I didn't know any of the kids, didn't have any relationship with them, and really they had no reason to listen to what I had to say.

Now to be fair, a few of them sought me out after my talk and told me it was good. My close friend's neice was there, and she told me she liked the sermon. But this girl is so on fire for God, you could read the Book of Leviticus aloud for three hours and she would be, "that was awesome." So she might have been just being nice.

But man, this experience really made me appreciate people who work in Youth Ministry. Teaching high school is a BREEZE compared to that. The kids don't have to, by state law, attend your events. The kids don't have to, by state law, do what you say. My wife gave me a hug afterwards and said, "Maybe that's what high school ministry is all about. Getting through to some of the kids."

If so, that is a brutal and difficult job emotionally and I applaud anyone who has the guts, courage and love to plow through the acres of disappointment that must come with the job every week and month.

So pray for folks who are working with youth. Or better yet, write them an email telling them how proud you are of their efforts to pass the torch on to the next generation.

They certainly need it.

Ode to Ben VanMeter

Chazown: root: Hebrew.
def: a dream, revelation or purpose

Yesterday, at approximately 4 p.m., my friend Ben VanMeter left this hemisphere to go to Malta (official motto: Pass the Straits of Gibralta, then head on to Malta).

He's doing something that most people don't have the courage to do: he's following the dream in his heart. He and his wife have a passion for languages. They're both linguistics majors, and one of the more entertaining things is to listen to them talk about the differences in words and idioms in different cultures. They talk about stuff like tongue placements on the upper palate with a passion and energy most people only reserve for professional sports.

It's refreshing to see people like that.

What can you realistically do with a degree in linguistics? Well, translate, for one. Ben and Jess have this dream of one day going to a people-group in some far-off country and translating the Bible for them in a way they'll understand. Since they believe that the Bible is God's word and is God's story and contains a message that's more important than any other that could possibly be told, this is more than just a job. It's their purpose.

So Ben and his wife Jess, one night, were sitting around a table with friends in Mendocino sharing about what they were hoping to do in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. Suddenly, the got the realization that if they wanted something to happen, they needed to act.

So they did. They set a timeline and now, 11 months later, they are on a plane with a year's worth of salary saved up and a hope that Malta might be a springboard into other adventures. It's a good starting point: Maltese is a language closely rooted in Aramaic languages, which will give Ben and Jess another language family to study. It's also a bi-lingual country, which will make the transition easier. It's also in close proximity to three continents.

There's a theory that the way to find out what you're supposed to do in life is to look at your talents, your passion and your experiences, and see where they all intersect. That's where you need to be. Ben and Jess seem to have really done this.

Another way to find out where you're supposed to do is to figure out where your great passion meets the world's great need. Ben and Jess seem to have done this, too.

I think all of us are a little afraid that we won't be seeing much of Ben and Jess anymore. I know I am. There's a mourning process I think I'm going to have to go through for Ben. He and I poured a lot of hours into creating silly skits for our church.

But I think even more, we're all a little afraid that there are Maltas in front of us, and we're not getting any closer to getting on a plane.

So, I lift up this post to Ben and Jess. Sometimes, when people leave for a long journey, people pray, "May God be with you." I'm not going to pray that, because He already is. That's like praying, "May there be air where you are going."

So in thinking about this, I'm going to pray this for you:

"May you feel God with you every single step, no matter where He takes you."

I think that might be better. And I also pray that I might find my Malta someday. And find the courage to get on that plane, just like you guys did.

Dallas Williard, Professor at USC, Offers Commencement Advice to Graduates

A friend emailed me this article: an interview with Dallas Williard, who teaches philosophy at USC. I'm unsure how I feel about some of the points - it seems like the interviewer has some sort of philosophical axe to grind - but it's hard to find a person I respect more than Dallas Williard. His responses are worth thinking about.

Professor Dallas Willard, a kind and thoughtful Christian philosopher who has been teaching at the University of Southern California for the past forty years. Professor Willard is a breath of fresh air to students passing through USC as he encourages rigorous thinking, and honest reflection about the worldviews that color the bulk of what goes on in the classroom today. Julia Thompson, a student who has taken several of Professor Willard's courses, interviewed him the day before this year's graduation on May 13.

Thomson: Tomorrow is graduation here at USC and I imagine you've been to your share of ceremonies and heard lots of commencement speakers. You've often said that character and morality are not considered to be valid parts of a university education so it seems curious that, upon graduation, we students hear a lot of speeches and comments urging us to go on to live "good lives" as "good people" and "good citizens" now that we are equipped with college degrees. What sense can we make of this?

Dallas Willard: Two things. Number one the issue of being good people leading good lives is so important that it cannot be ignored. When it comes time to address students at commencement even those who claim that they do not believe in moral instruction, or passing down values through education, cannot help but address the importance of being good people and leading good lives.

The second thing is that the leaders in the university do not understand what has happened; they are unaware of the split that has developed between the content that faculty present as knowledge, and notions of morality, character, and values. While leaders and faculty may operate day-to-day within the university setting, observing the subculture and interacting with students, in many cases their thinking has not explicitly crystallized around the fact that morality has been totally cut out of education. Derek Bok (former president of Harvard University) commented, upon hearing of Harvard graduates' junk bond frauds, that the church and families don't seem to be doing too well with character education--perhaps the university ought to take a stab at the task? Within today's university, such a suggestion sounds foreign, novel, and controversial. The university's heritage in classical colleges, teaching about truth, beauty, and goodness seems to have been forgotten.

Thompson: Has the university abandoned "capital T truth"?

DW: Yes! The university has explicitly abandoned the project of the search for Truth--despite remnants that suggest the contrary such as Harvard's seal that sports the Latin word for truth ("Veritas"). In fact in an address to entering freshman at the University of Chicago, John Mearsheimer made it clear what were and what were not the goals of the educational institution. The goals were: to encourage critical thinking, to broaden intellectual horizons, and to encourage self-awareness. The NON-AIMS were equally explicit: "Not only is there a powerful imperative at Chicago to stay away from teaching the truth, but the university also makes very little effort to provide you with moral guidance. Indeed it is a remarkably amoral institution" (149, Mearsheimer).

Thompson: Does this sentiment permeate secular universities in general?

DW: Yes!

Thompson: Given that the university rejects the role of working out and teaching morality, how can it defend its steadfast dedication to "diversity, tolerance, and radicalism"? You have mentioned that these values can have no basis apart from the truth of Judeo-Christian roots. How does the university defend this seemingly self-defeating stance?

DW: This position finds footing in politics. Instead of coming out explicitly as moral values, "diversity, tolerance, and radicalism" sneak under the radar labeled as "political issues" legitimized by the "will of the people". In today's culture it is easy to assert that diversity is simply a positive political development in a sophisticated society that is in tune with the desires of the public. But is that enough of a basis for a pluralistic society that expects all people to be treated with dignity, regardless of differences? Test it out: Look for a nation without Christian roots that truly supports diversity, undergirded by a sense of essential human dignity. You won't find one.

Thompson: From your upcoming book, The Disappearance of Moral Knowledge, is there any advice that you would offer to university graduates as they move into the world of work, and begin to build lives in today's culture?

DW: Try to understand character, human character because that's what it's all about. We don't have to have every underpinning worked out completely in order to start living good lives. Observe people! Observe people who manage to happily do what's right. As you live and watch, believe what you see. Don't believe high-blown theories that try to explain away what you learn to be true in real human life.

If you are intrigued by a particular theory, take the time to see how it plays out in peoples' actual lives. If you find Nietzsche's assertions appealing, look at Nietzsche's life - a consistent expression of his ideology. Nietzsche experienced the tremendous burden of trying to make sense of everything through the self alone, and he died alienated, crazy, and broken.

When new information comes about that seems to change the face of everything, keep in mind that nothing has fundamentally changed about the options available to human beings in this life. The supposed change that blew Nietzsche's mind, a new theory of cosmic evolution, turned out to be a far-fetched, unsubstantiated claim! In reality, nothing fundamentally has changed.

Thompson: What advice would you give to parents and churches as they prepare to send youth off to universities across the country?

DW: Be encouraged, and encouraging about the fact that Jesus is present on the college campuses. Jesus is the smartest mind in any and every field, and in him are contained all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. Jesus, despite any voices to the contrary, is the "Big Man On Campus"! A student sitting in a philosophy class listening to the teacher rant on about the absurdity of the Christian faith may be encouraged by an anecdote such as this: Walter Martin tells the story of Sydney Hook lecturing against Jesus in a class at New York University. With a moment's reflection, answer the question: "How many people have died for the sake of their dedication to Sydney Hook?"

Picture from Friend's Wedding Reminds Me of Bad Advertising Push for Male Fragrance

My buddy, Russell, got married this past weekend, and I was honored to be asked to "ush" as an usher at his wedding. It's always cool to see one of your friends get married. It's even better when you have confidence that the marriage is a good decision and that the people are getting married for the right reasons. There's probably nothing worse than attending a wedding and mentally crossing your fingers, going, "Well, I sure do hope this works."

Okay, there would be one thing worse than attending a wedding like that. Being in a wedding like that would be worse, I suppose.

One of the coolest moments of the whole weekend happened at the rehearsal dinner when Ken VanMeter - who along with his wife Aimee have counseled every single one of my friends who are married - stood up and said something to the effect of: "Aimee and I have met with Russell and Rebecca. We have observed them and listened to them, and we stand 100 percent behind them. They are ready to be married. Their marriage is a God-thing and we endorse this marriage."

We all clapped. We all thought it too, but it means more coming from sage counselors like the VanMeters. I think Ken and Aimee should get a logo or a patch or something they could affix to couples they've endorsed. Kind of like the USDA does with ground beef. Certified Marriage Ready.

Speaking of the VanMeters, their oldest son, Ben - who is also, coincidentally, their only son - is leaving for a year-long mission stint to Malta this Tuesday. I miss him already. Looking at this picture, you might be able to tell why. He's the one in the middle. I laugh every time I see this photo. It's like a bad advertising shot for a new fragrance from Liz Claiborne.

Introducing
Manic:
The Fragrance of Weddings

It's Difficult to Understand Someone If You Don't Know Anyone Like Them

I am going to get mocked for this post. Probably even more than the time I came out and said how much I enjoyed the music of the "Dixie Chicks." Probably more than the time I admitted I have been in six musicals. And perhaps even more than the time I revealed that I sang back-up for Barry Manilow with my school choir at one point.

My wife gets this magazine sent to her house every month. It's called "Today's Christian Woman." Strangely, I often find myself reading it.

Now, before you get all frat-boy on me with your teasing, let me explain.

I read it because it feels a bit like spying.

It's interesting to read the articles in the magazine, most of which are written very well by free-lance journalists, popular writers and quasi-famous authors and speakers. Looking at the topics that are chosen gives me a bit of insight into women, I think, and sometimes helps me ask my wife some questions about stuff I might not otherwise ask about.

Case in point, in the most recent issue: The lead articles discussed balance in your life. One discussed the spiritual danger of perfectionism, especially in new mothers coping to put their worlds back together. One article was about how to deal with fear and worrying. And there's a lot in there about relational health.

The article that most caught my eye was written by Nancy Ortberg, wife of John Ortberg - who is a pastor at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church and one of my favorite pastors in all of America. The article was in this section the magazine does every month called "Difficult Conversations" or something like that.

The headline was "How Can I Talk To My Muslim Neighbor about Christ?"

Ortberg's letter started off by encouraging the young woman to continue to make friends with the people around her, especially people who are outside of her church family.

She then did a little bit of Muslim theology, explaining what traditional teachings on the Quran say about Jesus and God and how that portrayal of God and Jesus is different than what Christianity teaches. Like, for example, Allah/God is largely unknowable, according to the Quran, and figuring out Allah's will is even tougher. And, in Muslim teaching, Jesus is just a prophet, not the Son of God.

But then, Ortberg said something interesting. She said that although she had just given some broad generalizations about what traditional Muslim beliefs might be, that mileage may vary. Ortberg advised the woman to talk to her Muslim friend about herconcept of God. And then go from there.

This struck me as particularly sage advice. There are some broad strokes that sometimes folks paint people with. Catholics believe this. Muslims believe this. Jews believe this. Christians believe this. Which I guess is sort of true, and not true, all at the very same time.

I mean, isn't that sort of why I started this blog? Because I am tired of so many people purporting to speak for my faith getting it all wrong? I'm tired of getting lumped into this degenerate pile of dysfunctional Christianity? Is there that much variation of faith and interpretation in other religions? And if so, is it dangerous to paint people of one religion with one brush? Aren't there SOME things that we can say are common for all people of one faith? Or no?

I started thinking about this even more this morning when I read a story about a Newsweek article that is spurring violence in the Middle East. Newsweek reported that in efforts to find Al Queda suspects, during interrogation, US officials flushed a Quran down the toilet. This sparked thousand of protesters, who now had more ammunition that the US was an evil empire declaring war on Muslims.

The worst part? The story apparently wasn't true.

I realized this morning I don't have any close Muslim friends who I could talk about this news story with. Within in my base of co-workers, friends, relatives, students and neighbors, not a single person is even moderately connected to the Muslim faith. Not only do I not currently know or interact with any devout Muslims, I don't believe that I ever have. Which strikes me as strange, since it's such a huge world religion, and the Bay Area is so diverse.

I just found that strange and I don't know what to do about that. Start interviewing candidates? Put a post out on Craig's List?

Tieche's Response to Avid, Rabid Readers

Dear Friends, Readers, Passers-by,

First off, I find it vaguely ironic that just two days ago, I was having a conversation with my close friend Jon Fortt. He remarked that it amazes him when people's comments are longer than his original post, like what happened recently on his blog.

This happened twice yesterday to me.

Couple of thoughts:

First off, thanks to Anonymous for the post. I don't know if you meant to post anonymously, or if you just didn't sign in. I'm glad you wrote what you did.

Second off, thanks Russell and Keller. Russell - who does not have a lot of spare time these days, seeing as how he's getting married in two days - managed to squeeze off a full-lenth epistle. I can't get my kids to write anything that long. I guess the secret is to piss people off.

Third off, I'd like to point out a few things that I noticed about your post, Anonymous.

1. It's Rather Inflammatory: You used a lot of tough rhetoric. I kind of agree with Russell: your tone seemed more attacking and angry than anything else. I once heard someone say that the sign of a mature and educated person was the ability to talk about any issue without having to yell. I imagined you yelling reading the post.

2. You Made a Lot of Assumptions: You assumed a lot of things about me that just aren't true. I definately don't think it's a good idea to ever use the phrase, "You should read your Bible more." That's just kind of a jerk statement. The Bible isn't a textbook with answers to prove heathens wrong.

You also grouped me very nicely and neatly into well-ordered categories, which is exactly the kind of superficial boundary marking that I referred to in my last post. I don't find that very helpful.

3. How Do You Know If God is On Your Side? I think it's worth asking the question"Do God and I care about the same things?" And a better question than that is, "How can I align myself with what God really cares about." I think the answer, partially, comes through reading the Bible and getting the general storyline. It's a love note meant to capture our hearts. It's an epic story meant to inspire us. It's an unfinished play whose final acts we're invited to participate in. It's a treasure chest of wisdom. It's a spring that brings life.

And the more I read it, the more I see God caring about the folks on the fringes of society - the more I see Him caring more about the character of his people than anything else - the more I see Him wanting to form a new type of revolutionary community based on love and humility and grace and generosity that throws the order of the world on its ear.

This view is informed not only by my own reading, but by the scholarly analysis of pastors, writers, poets and artists, living and dead, ancient and modern. I don't feel as though I'm breaking at all with the vast, deep line of orthodox thinkers who were devoted followers of Christ. I feel as though folks like Chan Chandler have.

4. Church Conflict is Inevitable But Not Always Good: You mentioned that sometimes, Christians leave church because the teachings are "too hard" or that they don't want to accept "truth." That's true. The hard teaching of Christ are very difficult and the number of people who are willing to devote themselves to them seems to be getting smaller and smaller.

But I think where you and I differ radically is the exposition of what those hard teachings are. I say they're things like holding your tongue, serving, not gossipping, being generous even when it's scary, loving people you really don't want to, being a force and influence for good, etc, etc. Sometimes, people like Chan Chandler assume that because people don't agree with them, it's because they're far from Christ. But sometimes, it's because people recognize hypocrisy, cruelty and heart-heartedness and want nothing to do with that because that is far from the Spirit of Christ.

5. Your Method of Discussion Isn't Really Discussion: You don't seem very interested in conversation. Or hearing people. Or listening. Just talking. Maybe I'm the same way. Maybe I need to be aware of that. I just think I'm on dangerous groun when I present myself in such a way that makes it seem like I know everything, and that anyone who disagrees with me is not only a fool, but a God-hater. When God agrees with everything you say, it's possible that you've made an idol.

Pastor Accused of Running Out Democratic Congregants Steps Down Amid Controversy

A Baptist pastor named Chan Chandler in North Carolina ignited controversy and caused a massive chasm in the church he had been pastoring for the past three years when he threatened congregants that he would banish them from his church if they didn't "Vote Republican."

The story from the AP says that "tensions escalated last week, when several members said Chandler called a meeting of the church's board of deacons and declared his intention for East Waynesville to become a politically active church."

JESUS DEALT WITH THIS KIND OF THING TOO

Last week, I was reading an article by a man named James Dunn, who wrote a really good commentary on the Book of Romans. He noted an interesting historical phenomenon: right around the time of Christ, the vast majority of writings by Rabbis revolved around three main topics.

1. Circumcision
2. Dietary laws
3. Laws about keeping the Sabbath

Now this is strange, isn't it? I mean, my goodness, every good Rabbi knows that the real heart of Scripture, the real true path to find God and living in His way is not found in those obscure verses of Scripture about diets and circumcision and what not. The real heart of a Rabbi beats faster when he read Deuteronmy 6:5: Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Or it's found in Leviticus 19:18: " 'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

So why did the vast majority of Rabbis devote the vast majority of their time focusing on these laws? Dunn turns to sociologist, saying that in every culture, there is a need for boundary markers. Ways to know who is in, and who is out. It's just something we humans do. The greatest feeling in the world is being accepted. And because it's such a great feeling, we kind of want to make sure that the group we're a part of doesn't just let anybody in, because then the cool pool is diluted. I mean, if he got in....

Dunn's point is that if a community does not experience genuine transformation and grace, their community will devolve into petty superficial religion concerned with boundary markers, most of which are external, easy to immediately recognize, and quite peripheral to what Christ taught.

Knowing this, think about how many times Jesus had to BLAST folks about doing work on the Sabbath. God had to give Peter a giant vision and dream about clean and unclean animals to drive home his point. Paul had to smack Peter upside the head because a major division had developed in the new church because Peter had refused to fellowship with the uncircumsized. Paul had massive run-ins with a group of devout Jews called the Judaizers who followed him around, contradicting his teachings on the Grace of Christ. It's astounding, going back through the New Testament how much effort was spent correcting people's thinking about these boundary markers.

And each time, Jesus - and His apostles - were like, "You don't understand. People who look NOTHING like religious folk, who don't have the right clothes or anything, are often far closer to the kingdom of God than people who are professional religious folk."

And they were.

And they continue to be.

This pastor drew a line in the sand, excluding all congregants who happen to believe differently than he on a few issues. Of course, it wouldn't have made a difference if he drew his line around Democrats and kicked out Republicans. His passion to motivate the church to be a force for good in the community might have been well-founded, just as the Judaizers in ancient times honestly believed that they were doing a good thing.

They were wrong. And so is Chandler.

Chandler's problem is that he forgot about some crucial teachings of the Bible along the way. He started making boundaries. Setting up absolutes. He focused on politics and made that - not the presence of a real, transformative relationship with Jesus - the mark of a real Christian.

I hope he changes his tune because the Bible says that teachers and leaders will be judged more harshly. When you purport to speak for God, you had BEST get it right.

Especially on the essentials, like what it means to be a Christian.

Stupid Teachers Need to Realize When To Back Off and Admit They're Wrong

Let me preface this message by saying that as a teacher, I hear profanity all the time. But there is a profound difference between a kid swearing near me and a kid swearing at me. I think we'd all agree.

That being said, I've only had a kid swear at me twice in my professional career. Kids, in general, don't fly off the handle. And kids, in general, I have found don't fly off the handle and treat adults with disrespect unless

1. They feel threatened
2. They feel as though an adult is being fundamentally unfair or injust
3. They feel publically disrespected by the adult (see number 1)

I read this story Friday about a school district that suspended a kid when he defiantly refused to hang up on his mom, who was calling from Iraq. He was talking to her during his lunch break, so it wasn't like he was disrupting some kind of learning environment.

This strikes me as an example where adults are fundamentally wrong, but don't want to admit it because they believe that being bested by a teenager would be an admission of weakness that would cause their whole disciplinary house of cards to tumble down.

Rules are good, but if you can't see, as an educator, times and examples when those rules should be bent, then you're just an inflexible tyrant. Don't talk on your cell phone while at school. Good rule. When a kid's mom calls him from Iraq to talk to him during lunch, let him break the rule. If you don't, you're sending the message that school rules are so important as to nullify all other allegiances. And kids instinctively know that's wrong.

Sometimes, adults are so stupid.

Big Ben Rides Without a Helmet, Teammate Joey Porter Thinks It's None Too Wise

Kellen Winslow, the number one draft pick last year for the Cleveland Browns, recently hurt himself in a motorcycle mishap when his new bike hit a curb. The Browns fear that Winslow might have torn his ACL, but it's too soon to tell. At risk is not only Winslow's future health, but his salary: he stands to lose his bonus and this year's salary if he can't play.

What's even moreinteresting is that I just read an article in which Pittsburg Steeler quarterback, and rookie of the year Ben Roethlisberger, is often seen riding around Pittsburg: without a helmet.

What I find fascinating here is that Pennsylvania requires by law that all football players wear a helmet, but they revoked that law for motorcycle riders.

Interesting.

Teammate Joey Porter, a tough-as-nails All-Pro linebacker, said he was surprised to hear that Big Ben is riding on a bike without a helmet so soon after Winslow's accident. I thought this quote in particular was funny:

Porter occasionally gets on a Jet Ski, but he said that's different from steering a motorcycle through heavy traffic. Roethlisberger acknowledged many drivers become distracted when they see him riding, shouting or waving at him.

"If I fall off a Jet Ski, I hit the water, and I like my odds," Porter said. "I'm going to get wet. What I say about motorcycles is that concrete is undefeated."

Good point.

Tieche Graduation Speech: Download it Here

A couple of weeks ago, at Gunderson's Academic Awards Night, I was the keynote speaker. A lot of folks liked the speech. If you'd like you can download it to your computer, or hear it here.

p.s. To give credit where credit is due, I first heard the information about Rhinos from Erwin McManus, a great speaker from Mosaic in Los Angeles. But I'm sure he wouldn't mind me sharing it.

How Not to Be a Parent: An Email Exchange With a Parent that Just Makes Me Wanna Hit Somebody

I'm posting the following email exchange between a colleague of mine and a parent as a textbook example of piss-poor parenting. I wonder what Herculean efforts we teachers are supposed to offer when parents are absentee, skip town, don't pay any attention to their kids and offer no direction to their own children.

I don't think I'm being hyperbolic in saying that this is the kind of crap parenting that is destroying our society.

Original Email
Dear Ms. StudentMom,

I would once again like to schedule an appointment with you to discuss Armando's behavior in my class. Although he is currently passing my class (66% D), his behavior is once again becoming disruptive and disrespectful. Today, while I was proctoring an AP Exam for seniors, Armando was removed from the classroom by Mr. Tieche, who was covering my class because Armando got into a confrontation with another student in class. Mr. Tieche had to forcibly remove him from the class to prevent him from fighting. This is the latest in a string of discipline issues that I have had to adress with Armando in the past couple weeks.

Ms. STUDENTMOM, I am going to be a bit blunt here - Armando's situation has reached a crisis point. His current grades are four F's and two D's. Your son is making very poor decisions and associating himself with very destructive people. Armando needs serious, professional intervention. He has already put his high school graduation in serious jeopardy and he could be headed for worse trouble.

Ms. STUDENTMOM, I want the best for your son and I am willing to help in any way that I can. I would strongly encourage you to contact any of the counselors or administrators listed on this email for information and resources that may help you get Armando headed back in the right direction.

I am available to meet Mondays and Thursdays after school in the Library.

Sincerely,
Mr. Hewitson.

Her reponse

Mr. Hewitson,

I cannot meet with you and the administrative staff again, and to be honest I don't think any of the previous meeting we have had have been very much help. I'm frustrated as I'm sure you are. This is the first time that I heard he has been associating himself with destructive people. Who are they and why would you say they are destructive?

StudentMom

Gunderson High School Bans Mexican Flag: Latino Students Take Petition to District Office, Media Outlets

The Issue
On Tuesday of this week, during lunch, there was a fight between a few students. I wasn't there, so I don't know anything about it. As you can imagine, tensions rose in the student body, as they sometimes do after fights. Then, right after school, there was another fairly large fight at our school right outside the front doors. It resulted in the suspension of 5 students. A couple of teachers broke up the fight, but it was pretty rowdy there for a while.

As a result, we got an email from our Assistant Principal of Discipline saying that because of the in-fighting between certain groups of Latino students, he feared that the display of the Mexican Flag on campus could incite some kids to fight. There's been problems all year with pockets of some of our chicano students: who is really "mexican" and who is not. Stuff like, "You don't speak Spanish, so you're not really Mexican," or "You weren't born in Mexico, so you're not really Mexican." Etc. Etc.

So the school banned the display of Mexican Flags today, Cinco de Mayo. Here is the problem. Cinco de Mayo is a National holiday in Mexico and is especially huge in San Jose, where we have a huge population of people whose heritage and familes have strong ties to Mexico. Cinco de Mayo is typically a time when many Latino students show pride of their heritage by displaying the flag. Sometimes flying from their car, or on their purse, or just draped over their shoulders.

The ban incensed many of our students, resulting in this email from ASB president Jorge Rivas, one of my AP students.

JORGE'S LETTER

Dear Ms. Catching,

I received the e-mail with your response to Mr Hophan and I feel it is very unfortunate you didn't have enough time to address me personally, simply because I think this issue is not as much of a concern to Mr. Hophan as it is to me, as a member of the Latino community on campus. Not to mention that I thank him for showing a degree of concern as well, but this issue simply doesnít affect him the way it affects Latinos in the school.

I would like to say that I donít see the connection and that there is no direct connection between the Mexican flag and the issues we are having at school. After all the drama yesterday, there were several students associated with the sureno boys, who after everything was said and done, started flying Mexican flags (when they had previously not been visible.

What you mentioned here, to my understanding, describes the fact that the flags had nothiing to do with the fights being started because the flags were "taken out" after the fights were over. Flags which a lot of people were carrying, not only the people who got in trouble. I talked to Mr.Bejarano already and from him I wasnít able to get a response that was convincing enough in regards to this issue. I think it's very unfortunate you are not here today on campus, otherwise, I would've discussed this issue with you personally. All I can say right now is that I will take the info I have right now, and I will make a
petition to the district which expresses our thoughts, since our expression has been (to a certain degree) infringed in the school. I will get signatures from my classmates and I will explain my concerns to the district. I know thereís no district policy which bans the use of Mexican flags on 5 de Mayo, so I would like to hear a response back from them in regards to the means you have taken, which certainly don't justify the ends. It is clear to me that tomorrow we won't be able to express the love we have for our culture through the use of a Mexican Flag; nonetheless, the district will hear our voice through the use of a petition. I have had petitions at school before, so please be certain that anything I do will be conducted
in an appropriate manner.

I believe that some policies adopted by school officials infringe in a dangerous manner upon the rights of many students (such as in this case) and I also believe that some other policies are not adopted as strictly as they should (such as wearing metal studs, etc., which could in fact harm people if used as a weapon). I undertand though, that that is the way it goes when authority and power are at play.

I would like to thank you and administration, although informally through this e-mail, for your time- although I do see this issue as a concern......

Sincerely,
Jorge Rivas (ASB Secretary)


THE RESPONSE

Dear Jorge,

First of all, let me say that I respect your opinion on this. You are a well -respected young man on this campus, not just by your peers, but staff and administration alike. That being said, let me clarify my comments about the incident yesterday. Yes, when all the drama was occuring, no flags were outwardly visible. However, after school, once things settled down, we had two groups of students posturing one another in front of the school. A few in the group of students who were affiliated with surenos started tucking in shirts (to reveal mexican flags being used as belts) or taking flags out of their pockets. These are not demonstrations of Latino Pride. This was done purely as an intimidation move to the opposing group of students; a means to solidify their identification as surenos.

I believe that Mr.Hophan does take this issue as seriously as you. He is one of your biggest champions. However, he also had an opportunity to observe things yesterday. You cannot appreciate how quickly a situation can get out of hand until you've had to try to control it. Had it not been for the swift actions of several adults on campus, yesterday's drama could have been much bigger...which is definitely something we are trying to move away from when it comes to creating a more positive and realistic image of our school.

I have worked with at-risk and gang involved youth for over a decade. These issues and behaviors are not new to me. As the principal of Gunderson, your safety is my paramount concern. Occasionally, I will need to take a stand on an issue that may be unpopular with some people. However, if the decision aides in the overall safety of the campus, then I will stand by it every time.

Cary Catching, Principal

So the drama escalted. Jorge went to Television stations, the newspapers, and other avenues. He's claiming it's a violation of Tinker vs. Des Moines, which allows for student expression unless there expression is disruptive to the educational process. Jorge says that the flag is not and cannot be linked to violent, anti-social behavior and that it's not a compelling reason. Our principal says, based on the fights and San Jose's history lately of gang violence, that it is.

What do you think?

AP Tests Today: Tieche Put Under the Gun to Improve Results - Not Feeling Superbly Optimistic

One of the toughest things about being a teacher is that you simply don't have enough time to spend with every individual student to help them develop academically, socially, emotionally and psychologically. High School's current format and design simply won't allow for it.

Thursday morning, 05-05-05, will have more than just dozens of people putting massive Mexican flags on their cars to celebrate Cinco de Mayo - it will also be the day that 81 of my high school English seniors sit down to take a 3-hour test in English Literature that is so grueling and difficult, passing it is an indication to colleges that the student not only is ready for college English, but might be ready to skip right to their sophomore year.

That's a difficult test.

So is teaching the class, and then waiting until July when the results come back. It's hard as a teacher to see objective black-and-white measures of your students right in front of you. To some extent, I'm judged as an AP teacher by my pass rate (which by the way) is not stellar. Some teachers in some districts have a 90 percent pass rate. I don't. Mine is hovering in the high 30s. I've had 99 kids take the test: 37 have passed. Only 2 have gotten the highest score of "5."

There are teachers in my own district who beat that every year. Some have 90 percent "5" rates.

This year, the department head and some principles have told me that those scores "need to go up." As though I wasn't aware of that. Like I was aiming for a low pass rate.

Of course, a big part of being a teacher is the kind of kids you get. Phil Jackson won 6 championships, but he had Kobe, Jordan, Pippen and Shaq. Put him in Atlanta or Denver in the 1990s, and let's see how he fares.

The AP Lit course supposes a lot of experience and familiarity with complex literature, in addition to a wide schema and mental framework for abstract ideas and analysis. If you have been speaking English for less than 5 years (which this year 19 of my 81 students have) or if you are a second language learner whose native language and the language spoken at home is not primarily English (which 32 of my 81 students are), then the test is pretty darn difficult.

This kind of thing makes me wonder if I'm really that good of a teacher. Pretend that I switch classrooms with those nearly legendary teachers with the 90 percent pass rate. Would my pass rate be as high? I wonder. Would their pass rate in my class be as low? I wonder that, as well.

It's kind of depressing, though.

No doctor - not matter whatever kind of shape his patients come to him in - wants any mortalities. Even if there's not much you could have done, it still feels like a failure.

Day of the Teacher Is Over; Please Don't Ruin Things For Teachers By Giving Them Gifts and Presents

Every year, as you might remember, it's kind of customary for parents to give a gift to their child's teacher. It's kind of a way of saying, "Thanks for tolerating my child for an entire year and not killing him or her."

My mom used to get so much crap, you wouldn't even believe it. Of course, my mom was a good teacher. Now that I've been in the school system, I know what a big deal it is to win a District-wide award like "Teacher of the Year." And my mom won that award. If it sounds like I'm kind of bragging a little bit, well I am.

I was reading a story about a rather affluent neighborhood in Florida where parents got together and each contributed 75 bucks (voluntarily) for a 2nd grader's classroom teacher. Times 30. They sent her and her husband on a two-week Mediterranean cruise.

I think this is an evil practice and must be stopped.

That kind of generosity is going to destroy the concept of the over-worked, under-paid mentality that teachers thrive on. We don't have that much - don't ruin it by giving us lavish gifts and nice things. And my goodness, showing appreciation like that strikes at one of the bedrock self-conceptions of teachers. We desire to be seen as doing what we do for no other reason than vast selflessness. We are patient beings, the fruit of whose labor is often not seen until later generations. Immediate acts of gratitude totally ruins that, people.

Additionally, that kind of action takes away from bargaining leverage. Your union rep will be sitting at the table across from the evil Board of Education members and how is that rep going to explain away the kind of "invisible compensation" that parents like you have been giving to your child's teacher. As a result, your foolish kindness could cause teachers to lose salary, have their health benefits cut in half, or have their class size explode to more than 48 kids per room.

All because you thought that Teddy Bear from Hallmark or that Diamond Tennis Bracelet from Kay's Jewelers looked cute.

So before you give a gift or a thank you note to your teacher or your child's teachers, ask yourself this question: Do I really want undermine this teacher's entire self-concept and destroy the delicate self-pity ecosytem by an act of generosity.

No.

The answer is no.

p.s. I like the VW Touareg and the SLK convertible. And the Toyota Sienna, which scored a perfect 5 in safety and impact protection in Consumer Report's 2005 Car Buying Guide.

Jospeph Ratzinger (a.k.a. Pope Benedict XVI) Has A New Blog

This is a new blog by the Pope.

Not about the Pope. By the Pope.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't type this in every day, but talk about spiritual eavesdropping. It's really amazing to see what's going on in the mind and heart of this man.

You can link to it here.

Guess the Dictator and/or Television Sit-Com Character

This game is hilarious and shockingly accurate.

It's called Guess the Dictator and/or Television Sit-Com Character.

What you do is mentally choose either a TV sitcom character or a Dictator (the overlap on that Venn Diagram on that probably isn't too large). Then see how many guesses it takes for the computer to guess.

I started easy with Marge Simpson, then went more obscure with Jamie Buchman, from Mad About You, then went to Pinochet.

Computer got them all. Sometimes, AI scares me.

Cookie Monster Check Self Into Weight Loss Clinic, Admits Addiction to Carbs

First off, thanks to Rick Grucza for his sharp eye in pointing this out.

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a while.

A columnist from the Tallahassee Democrat, a guy by the name of Jonah Goldberg, went off on Sesame Street in his column. Goldberg is flaming mad that about programmer's decision to have the Cookiee Monster sing a new song, "A Cookie is a Sometimes Food" done partially to instruct children not to eat sweets all the time.

Here is what he writes:


According to the well-meaning social engineers of PBS. After three decades, they've announced he's not a Cookie Monster at all. In the interests of teaching kids not to be gluttons, CTW has transformed Cookie Monster into just another monster who happens to like cookies. His trademark song, "C is for Cookie" has been changed to "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food." And this is a complete and total reversal of Cookie Monster's ontology, his telos, his raison d'etre, his essential Cookie-Monster-ness.

If the Cookie Monster is no longer a cookie monster, what is he? Why didn't they just name him "Phil: The Monster Who Sometimes Likes to Eat a Cookie"? Cookie Monster cannot help being a Cookie Monster any more than your tabby can stop liking fish. It is their nature to do so.

Why not just declare that Big Bird is now an elm tree? If the ineffable, inexorable, immutable nature of Cookie Monster's cookie-eating can be erased for some good cause, why should Big Bird's birdness be safe?

Hahah. The column is kind of tongue-in-cheek, but I got the feeling that Goldberg was actually angry. Couple of thoughts for Mr. Goldberg.

1. Social Engineering is not a bad thing. Martin Luther King, Jr. was all about social engineering. So was Jesus, come to think of it.

2. Teaching kids not to eat a whole bunch of sweets is also not a bad thing. What better way that having the Cookie Monster awaken and cease to dwell in ignorance about the potential dangers of his dietary consumption?

3. C is for cookie. That's good enough for me.