Funny Dave Barry column...

For those of you who don't know, one of my favorite authors is a humorist named Dave Barry, from the Miami Herald. He's stinking hilarious and has been for years. He's one of the few authors I have read who can make me laugh out loud, which is a difficult thing to accomplish, I think. Anyway, here's one of his columns about Halloween. Hope you like.

Tips for a happy, yet hellish, Halloween night
By DAVE BARRY

Gather 'round, boys and girls, because today Uncle Dave is going to tell you how to have some real ''old-fashioned'' Halloween fun!

Start by gathering these materials: A commercial air compressor, an acetylene torch, a marine flare gun and 200 pounds of boiled pig brains. Next, select a neighbor who . . .

Whoops! Scratch that, boys and girls! Uncle Dave did not realize that your parents were also reading this column. Ha ha! Hi there, Mom and Dad! Uncle Dave was just having a flashback to the Halloweens of his boyhood, an innocent time when parents were far more relaxed and clueless about what their kids were up to.

''You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving!'' our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out the front door, weighed down by hundreds of pounds of concealed vandalism supplies, including enough raw eggs to feed Somalia for decades. By morning, thanks to our efforts, the entire neighborhood would be covered with a layer of congealed shaving cream and toilet paper that, around certain unpopular neighbors' homes, was hundreds of feet thick. This is how the Appalachian Mountains were formed.

Yes, boys and girls, Uncle Dave and his chums sure had a lot of fun on Halloween! And when Uncle Dave says ''a lot of fun,'' he means, ''a very unsafe time.'' Because it turns out that we were violating many Halloween safety rules. In those days, we did not know about the importance of Halloween safety, because the Internet did not exist, at least not the way it is today.

Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an e-mail to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad.

Thanks to technological progress, we have access to much more information today, so we understand how hideously dangerous pretty much everything is, especially Halloween. Uncle Dave looked up ''Halloween Safety'' on the Internet, and he found a scary website established by the National Safety Council, at www.nsc.org/library/facts/haloween.htm . (Notice that, in this address, there is only one ''L'' in ''Haloween''; evidently the National Safety Council removed the other one because it might poke out somebody's eye.)

On this site, you parents will find 30 tips for parents to ensure that your children have a safe Halloween. For your convenience, Uncle Dave has boiled these tips down to five:

• 1. Never allow your children outside on Halloween night.

• 2. Or in the daytime, either.

• 3. Your children should spend Halloween locked inside a windowless room, sedated and wrapped from head to toe in reflective tape.

• 4. If, God forbid, some neighbor, somehow, manages to actually give one of your children a treat, you must immediately snatch it away and destroy it with a flamethrower.

• 5. Never use a flamethrower while sleeping.

Uncle Dave's point is that Halloween is not the carefree holiday that it once was. These days nobody goes outside on Halloween night except teenagers, which Uncle Dave -- believe it or not! -- used to be one of, although he now finds them terrifying. But does that mean that youngsters can no longer have fun on Halloween? Yes!

No, wait -- Uncle Dave means: No! There are plenty of Halloween activities that are both fun AND safe. For example, there is:

CARVING THE PUMPKIN

This is a Halloween tradition that began in the British Isles, where one magical night several centuries ago, a group of people decided to put a lit candle inside a hollowed-out pumpkin, to symbolize the fact that they had been hitting the sauce pretty hard. Today, pumpkin-carving is an activity that the whole family can enjoy, except for Dad, who gets stuck with the job of actually carving the pumpkin, which means he has to stick his hand inside and grasp the pumpkin slime, knowing that at any moment he might encounter the North American Gourd-Dwelling Scorpion, whose toxic sting claims more American lives each year than cellular phones and asteroids combined.

The best way to avoid this danger, advises the American Pumpkin Growers Council, is to make sure you buy a pumpkin ``that costs a lot of money.''

Uh oh! We're out of space here. In conclusion, Uncle Dave just wants to wish each and every one of you the most fun Halloween ever! Remember what Happy, the National Safety Council Safety Clown, always says: "If a single candy corn becomes lodged in your throat and cuts off your air supply, by the time the paramedics arrive, you will have the same brain functionality as a rutabaga."

Speaking of which: You'll have to excuse Uncle Dave now, because he has a batch of pig brains on the stove..

I'm a Punkin...

This is my son's first Halloween, which is important because I need to begin training him now to recognize the importance of this Holiday, which as far as I can tell is based upon the seemingly mutually exclusive conditions of terror and gluttony. Other US holidays have come to adopt gluttony, like Easter (second only to Halloween in terms of sugar consumption) and Christmas (Okay, one more Christmas cookie, since you have 30 dozen left), but there isn't a lot of terror in either of those.

Silent Night. Maybe it's too...silent.

So in that way, Halloween really is unique.

Some Christians get all worked up about the origins of the holiday being all wicked, but when I was a kid, I don't ever remember having someone sit me down and telling me the "true meaning of Halloween." As you know, Halloween traces its origins back more than 2,000 years to the Druids, an ancient religious cult that constructed Stonehenge as well as most of the public toilets in England. The Druids believed that one night each year, at the end of October, the souls of the dead returned to the world of the living and roamed from house to house costumed as Power Rangers.

I don't remember anybody ever mentioning Druids. And if they did, I would have corrected them saying, "It's pronounced "droid". And yes, I am wearing my C3PO under-roos."

All I remember is the candy. Which brings me to the parenting aspect of Halloween. As you know, man was never made to consume so many sweet tarts in one month, but with proper training, I believe my son can do it. Also, I will work dilgently to ensure that my son will be able to open up Pixie Sticks and actually consume their contents, unlike the thousands of other youth across the nation, who spend Oct. 31st in sheer frustration that that cannot get any of the sugar-coated sugar out of the paper straw.

"I tore off the end, but my saliva has congealed the sugar and it's plugging the...let me try the other end. Curses!"

You know, on an off tangent and totally un-related, I have never really liked dressing up. I mean, when I was a kid, it was fun, but once I reached like 9 or 10, I just stopped thinking it was fun. And in college and stuff, I never cared for it. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy watching other people's creativity at Halloween parties. "Oh, wow. you're a geyser. Yes, I would imagine that the steam is dangerous."

I suppose people with identity problems don't care for Halloween a whole lot. But that does not mean that I don't think Halloween is fun with Justus. We decided to dress up our son, go to a pumpkin patch, buy a pumpkin and drink cider. How very Autumn of us. You can't do that kind of thing in the Spring. They'll bust your butt if you try that kind of stunt.

So Nicole and I pulled an Anne Geddes and made Justus look like a gourd.

Here is a Quicktime video of the lad, in case you're interested in seeing how cute he is.

Wal-Mart's Flippin' Huge

I was reading this article about Walmart today. It's about

What hit me about this article was this line:

Wal-Mart's benefit costs jumped to $4.2 billion last year, from $2.8 billion three years earlier. Last year Wal-Mart earned $10.5 billion on sales of $285 billion.

Okay, coupla things. First off, Wal-Mart's insurance costs have gone up 1.4 billion in the past three years. 1.4 billion.
That is one massive company. When your insurance costs are more than most countries earn in a year, that's a hefty amount.

Also, Wal-mart sold $285 billion last year. This is larger than the GNP of Austria, Russia and Sweden. One company sells more than an entire nation of people.

Also, 285 billion. Last time, I checked, there's only 6 billion people on the planet. Which means, that every man, woman, boy and girl spent $47.50 at Wal-Mart last year.

How are you doing on that? Are you above, below or right at the Global Wal-Mart Average?

An Open-Letter to Blog Spammers...

Dear Spammers,

Thank you for constantly posting on my blog, and leaving me detailed information on how to check out your new blog about banjos, or the newest life insurance options, but I am tired of manually deleting every post that you make. Therefore, I have changed the settings on this blog to be open to only registered Blogger folks. It's easy to register, and if you are really that motivated to post comments about Home Dog Electrolysis, then I'm sure this stepping stone won't deter you.

Sincerely,
DAT

Tieche Pinch-Speaks, Drives in Two RBIs...

This weekend was tough. Saturday, about 1:30, I got a call from our head Pastor, Pastor Bill who has been in the Mediterrean on a cruise (not Tom) for the past two weeks celebrating his 30th wedding anniversary. At any rate, he picked up some sort of icky cold or infection or something, and was hacking his lungs out, so when he called, he sounded like he'd taken up chain smoking.

So, in short, I had to give all four weekend sermons. Luckily, I was intimately familiar with the sermon, since I'd helped write most of it. Saturday night was a bit rough, but Sunday morning went swimmingly. It's weird; my buddy Russell said he really liked the sermon, which didn't register with me because overall, I didn't feel particularly good about it. I thought about this and figured that the sermons I get the most pumped about are the ones where 1: It's hysterical and people are laughing uproariously or 2: We milk it and have a real emotional moment, and people cry a whole lot. For me, being highly emotional, it's about emotion.

But if those things are absent, it doesn't necessarily mean that the sermon wasn't good. I think back to the times when I've been like, "Wow" in a sermon. Often it was because someone said something that made a light go on. It was necessarily funny, or even moving emotionally. It was just deep, and changed the way I thought about God. Most of Mere Christianity is an exercise in this. I never laughed once during that book, but it's vastly impacted the way I think about God.

So, I was thinking that really, the goal of all my sermons are to help people exxperience at least one of the three:
1. A quiet moment with God
2. Feel a deep emotion
3. Change a way of thinking about something (take something confusing and make it crystal-clear, usually with an analogy)

Anyway, overall it was a fun experience, and I think it went pretty well (the first sermon, Saturday night, was a bit rougher) but it's Monday morning now and I'm really tired because I also had to speak at Take2 last night, which made 5 times in one weekend. When you don't have the weekend to rest, it makes it tough.

Plus, I'm getting mildly sick again. Curses!

Top Ad Executive Says Women Can't Cut it Because Motherhood Makes them "Wimp Out."

Someone needs to give this guy a roundhouse to the chops.

Perferably, a woman.

DAT

Bush Speaks, Dictionaries Cringe...

You know, as a public speaker, sometimes I mangle my words. And if someone really wanted to be mean, they could take hours of things I've said, and make a blooper tape that would be quite humorous and make me look really stupid and uneducated.

With that in mind, and with the fact that I have never been forced to speak to thousands of important dignitaries, I am willing to give our President a lot of slack. The ability to deliver a coherent, fluid speech is not everyone's gift. And although I respect his position and authority as our president, I must say, when George W. Bush is off script, and is forced to improvise, it is truly frightening.

But one man's weakness is another man's comic fodder, so with all respect due to our Commander in Chief, I submit this video documentary that articulates that perhaps behind the mangled words, there is a brilliance that we're all just not seeing.

Click here to view.

Humor Column by Tieche Student Matt Olson...

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following article is an editorial humor column by one of my journalism students, Matt Olson, who is this quicky, thin-as-a-rail white kid with more wit and sarcasm than he knows what to do with. I included several of his snippets. I think they're funny.

Hard Work will Get you Jack Squat
Don’t believe people when they tell you that hard work and dedication will bring you sucess. Governor Swarzenegger recently vetoed a bill to make Special Education students exempt from the California Exit Exam. Let’s be honest - most Special Ed students are not going to pass it. Which means that the California public school system will not be allowing any of our hardworking special ed students to earn a high school diploma. Seems more than a bit mean-spirited, if you ask me.

Mrs. Iverson, In the Den, with the Candlestick
For their anniversary present, biology teacher Rob Iverson's wife bought him a trip to dive with Great White Sharks. It’s a good idea but its not the way I would have done it. I think poisoning him would have been quicker. Plus, I don’t know if most life insurance companies cover death by shark.

What’s Next: Wolves in a Car?
Movie piraters have been blamed for too long for the movie industry losing money. Pretty soon, though, I think people are going to have to start blaming the quality of movies themselves. Don’t believe me? According to IMDB.com, Hollywood is scheduled to release a blockbuster in the summer of 2006 starring Samuel L. Jackson about an assassin, bent on killing a witness who is in protective custody. In order to accomplish this fiendish act, the killer lets loose a crate full of deadly snakes while the plane is in flight. This is the actual plot, and I am not making any of this up. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, listen to the inventive title. The title of the film is: Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane. Oh yeah, this has masterpiece written all over it. I can’t wait for the sequel: Planes on a Snake.

For 400 dollars, I think I can get a bigger screen
Earlier this month, Apple introduced their newest member of the wildly popular music player, the Video iPod. With this, you can watch movies the way youve always wanted to: on a low-definiton 2-inch screen while sitting on the lightrail. Some people think it isn’t a great idea, but I know the last time I was watching a movie on a big screen HDTV, I was complaining about how good it looked and wishing I had an inferior alternative. Thank you, Apple.

Thoughts about Kids and Education...

My wife and my small group is going through studying a DVD by Andy Stanley, a brilliant speaker and author from Atlanta called Parental Guidance Required. It's about parenting.

Most people, Stanley said, think that they can parent automatically. They use - as evidence of their expertise - the fact that they were once children. They use the line, "Hey. I was a kid once."

This is like saying, "I've had surgery. I'm sure it's not that hard to operate."

I thought that was pretty funny. Anyway, the first activity that they have you do is go through and list all the experiences that you had growing up, up until junior high. Every activity, every thing you did. Around the group, this was pretty standard. Piano lessons. Soccer. Gynmastics. Ballet. And that was just me.

Haha.

Stanley's point is that activities in a kid's life don't matter nearly as much as relationships. His contention is that as a culture, we are producing experience-rich, relationally-poor kids. The kids are running all over God's earth, doing 100 million things but the family never has dinner together. Or game night. Or camping trips.

This struck me as true. I teach high school, and my kids are just famished for relational time with me. I think it's largely because of the poverty of experience they've had with cool, caring adults.

Stanley went on to say that as a pastor and counselor, he has heard a lot of things but he has never heard anyone say:

"The reason why my life is falling apart is because I didn't get into the college of my choice."

Or

"My life is in shambles because I was forced to go to a sub-par public school."

or

"If only I'd made the travelling team for 7-9 year olds."

Stanley contends that the thing that really matters the most in life is the ability to develop and cultivate close adult friendships. And that many of the things that parents are so intent on getting their kids to do don't help to that end AT ALL.

Now, I don't know anything. I have a 7-month old, so I haven't really begun parenting. But this sounded like good advice. Anybody wiser want to chime in?

Tieche's List of Movies I've Seen Recently...

Just so you can calibrate yourself, when I review movies, I do so based on the standard Four Star System, but I have a special category called 5 Stars, which are films that transcend film. So my rating system goes like this.

5 Stars: You must see this movie immediately. Go and rent it now. Take off work if you must.

4 Stars: Traditional. Great movie. Really, really great movie. If you want something to do to enrich your life, rent this movie and watch it. You will not regret it. Adam Sandler movies will never make this list.

3 Stars: If you're renting, and want a fun time, this movie is good. It's sharp, it's witty, it's just good stuff. Not going to win an Oscar, or make anyone's list of "Best Movie Ever" but, it's fun.

2 Star: Don't rent this. Not worth your time. Anything with the words "Beverly Hills" and "Ninja" in it go squarely in this category. Also, titles with numbers in them, like 2, indicating sequels, often go here.

1 Star: Painful. If this is the inflight movie, go to sleep. It's even painful to watch without sound.

0 Stars: Anything with Tom Green or the cast of "Jackass" or Scooby Doo in it.

So, based on that rating system, I have seen two movies recently that I would recommend.

Robots
This movie is not to be confused with iRobot, which is an entirely different movie. It's an animated feature film full of fun. It's light, Robin Williams has about five lines that are simply hilarious, and I laughed out loud hysterically three or four times, nearly waking the baby and kind of hurting my throat in the process. That's a good run for a movie, I think. It's no Shrek 2, but it's good.
Three Stars


The Interpreter
Honestly, in Hollywood, are there two finer actors than Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn. I mean honestly? These are top-tier, first-rung, best-of-the-best actors doing their stuff, and it's amazing to watch. The plot's intense, but thanks to the PG-13 rating, the film's dark subject of genocide is watchable. It's a powerful film about forgiveness and peace, and has a few monologues that are as good as any I've seen.
Four stars

Next up on Tieche's movie cue:
Kicking and Screaming
Hotel Rwanda
Crash

This One's For You, Russell

My buddy Russell was sitting at a stoplight Saturday night and a guy with no insurance rammed into the back of his lovely black Subaru WRX going about 30-40 mph. Russell's okay - a little sore - but okay. He's not as angry as I would be. My car got totaled by a guy who was also uninsured, and I have also been in another accident with a Vietnamese woman who did not have insurance. It seems to be a thing, out here, driving without insurance.

I think, if you don't have insurance and you cause an accident, you should have to pay the other guy's deductible. It's only fair. Why should I have to pay if you hit me.

Anyway, Russell is doing fine, but I know he laments the loss of his car. So, in an attempt to cheer him up, I wanted to send him this clip which I just got from my buddy Eric in Ohio.

Click here to laugh.

That's funny...oh..wait...no it's not

British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, a Cambridge-educated TV host is the star of HBO's Da Ali G Show. The show's genius lies in Baron Cohen's use of the dimwitted innocence of his characters to expose comically ugly or foolish behavior in the small-minded, whether it's Bruno eliciting vehement rage from Alabama football fans by prancing alongside their cheerleaders, or Borat getting a Republican candidate for Congress to state his belief that Jews are going to hell, or Ali G getting Pat Buchanan to refer to weapons of mass destruction as "BLTs."

In this season's third episode, aired Aug. 1, Borat announces his intent to "learn how to be star of country music," and he subsequently visits square dancers in a community center, Porter Waggoner in Nashville, and the Country West bar on Ruthrauff Road in Tucson. While Baron Cohen makes a running gag out Borat's anti-semitism, not even seasoned Ali G fans were prepared for what took place that night in April when Borat stopped in to town.

"In my country there is problem," Borat sings from the Country West's stage, after a first verse that elucidates the problem of "transport" in Kazakhstan. "And that problem is the Jew / He take everybody's money / He never give it back ..." Then comes the chorus: "Throw the Jew down the well / so my country can be free / you must grab him by his horns / then we have a big party!" With some encouragement, the couple-dozen patrons of the Country West rather enthusiastically sing along.

You can listen to this comedic experiment here.

There's gotta be a lesson in there somewhere. Whether it's "Don't Go to Country Western Bars" or "Think Before You Sing Along," I'm not sure.

Interesting Quote

The great malady of the 20th century is implicated in all of our problems individually and socially is the “loss of the soul.” When the soul is neglected, it doesn’t just go away. It appears symptomatically in obsessions, addictions, violence and loss of meaning. Our temptation is to isolate the symptoms and try to eradicate them one by one. But the root problem is that we have lost our wisdom about the soul. Even our interest in it.

Fulfilling work, rewarding relationships, personal power and relief from symptoms - these are all gifts of the soul. They are particularly elusive in our time because functionally we do not believe in the soul, and therefore give it no place in our hierarchy of values. Solitude is the landscape of the soul

We have come the soul only in its complaints, when it stirs, disturbed by neglect and abuse and it causes us to feel its pain.

- Thomas More, The Care of the Soul

Fear of Failure Sermon:

I just got through a marathon session this weekend. I spoke six times in the last six days, and for the first time in my life, I think I actually lost my voice after I was done. Anyway, if you're interested, check out the sermon. I had some folks tell me they thought it was funny/moving. That's kind of the style I go for: funny slash moving.


Part 1.
Part 2.
Part 3.
Part 4.
Part 5.
Part 6.
Part 7.
Part 8.
Part 9.
Part 10.
Part 11.

Jack in the Box Kick

This is hilarious

If you've ever wondered what it might be like if Jack Nicholson worked at Jack-in-the-Box, then wonder no more. Click here to laugh.

This clip was given to me by a student. It's from comedian Ralphie May, who is stinking funny and stinking vulgar. This clip has one bad word in it, but man is it funny. The management does not necessarily endorse this comedian, or the view expressed. But the management laughed.

Click here to listen

Lessons from Fourth Grade Choir...

When I was in fourth grade, I was in the choir. We wore these hideous light blue vests that had a giant monogrammed script "F" on the front, for "Fairbrook" which was the name of my elementary school. In the white suburbs in Ohio, they don't name their schools after people: they name them as though they're luxury gated communities, I guess. Parkwood. Valley. Resting Meadows.

But that's beside the point. When I was in fourth grade, Mrs. Owens had us sing a variety of songs, many of which had a distinctively Jewish flair. This is strange because I'm pretty sure I didn't know anyone who was Jewish. But still, every Christmas, there all 80 of us were, on metal risers, singing our little hearts out about "spinning the dreidle" and "lighting the menorah" in that old classic song, "Hanukah Holiday: Festival of Lights."

We also sang this song about Joshua. It was called "Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho." Here's how it went:

Joshua fought the battle of Jericho.
Jericho.
Jer-i-cho-ooh
Joshua fought the battle of Jericho
and the walls came tumbling down
down-down-down

It still kind of creeps me out that I remember this so well. I also remember the time during the Winter Concert in fourth grade when this one girl on the back riser was ill and turned around and chucked all over the cafeteria/gym/auditorium floor. The smell made two other people puke, too. Then the janitor came over and threw what appeared to be kitty litter all over the mess.

Anyway, what's my point. My point is that although we sang about that song, I never really thought about the implications. I always thought that it was some weird miracle - trumpets and walls don't seem connected to me. God basically said, "Blow on the trumpets and the city will be rendered powerless militaristically." God might as well have said, "Play a pan flute and the water supply will be shut off" or "Three blasts on a trombone, and their currency will be worthless."

And my God, man, don't even pretend to play a banjo. Do you want to see a bunch of dead cats? Do you? Do you?

Then I read somewhere that archeologists discovered that the walls really did fall down. Now I can't attest to the historical or archeological evidence of this, but it's interesting to me that the walls crumbled down on themselves. It's consistent with an earthquake, most scholars say.

Or a giant seismic blast.

What if....

What if God used the trumpet sound, magnified it like 1000 times, and hit the walls of Jericho with a giant sound wave that entirely destroyed the structural integrity of the walls. I think that would be cool, if that's what God did. God often seems to do that kind of thing, doesn't He? He takes what we give -meager as it is - and amplifies it supernaturally. That way, we feel as though we're part of the story. We did something to help.

I feel that way a lot with my sermons. I just kind of put them out there and pray that God will amplify them to break down the walls of people's hearts. It's certainly nothing I can do. I could blow as hard as I want on that trumpet, but if God doesn't do something massive and seismic, I'm just Dizzy Gillespie vs. the Army. And in the paper-scissors-rock world of armed conflict, foot soldiers beat Jazz Musicians.

I've been learning to pray for this kind of thing a lot more. The idea is that if God's not really in it, then it's kind of a waste of everybody's time. Last night, at our First Wednesday meeting, I kind of felt that way. Our dance team danced to the song "Held" by Natalie Grant, which is a gorgeous and moving song, but these women - all of the strikingly beautiful and graceful - did the most amazing job I have ever seen. While they were doing the tech run through before the service, everyone just stood around and wept. Camera people. Sound guys. Ushers. Me. Todd. Tony. The dancers themselves. Just crying our eyes out. It was one of those God moments. And it was probably the best thing I've ever seen artistically in a church. And I'm not exaggerating.

As soon as I get video of it, I'll post it.

It's the kind of thing that crumbles walls. Which is kind of what God is all about.

Notes, Quotes and Billy Goats...

Hey there, loyal readers who have found absolutely nothing up on my page for about two weeks. Sorry about that. I've been busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger. Which, if you've ever hung wallpaper with one arm disabled - and who hasn't - you know how difficult that can be.

I THINK I PULLED SOMETHING
Speaking of one arm, I recently joined an exercise facility called 24-hour Fitness. It's been 6 months since Justus was born, and that's about the last time I saw a gym. So I'm going to attempt to get some fitness in there a couple of times a week. I met my buddy Russell there during my lunch hour yesterday. He made me lift and stuff. I hate him. I would punch him, but I can't lift my arms.

ENGAGEMENTS ABOUND
So I now personally know three couples who are engaged. And I'm pretty close friends with all of them, which is exciting, but also potentially expensive. Crate and Barrell isn't getting cheaper, people. Probably the craziest news is that my close friend Ryan asked me to not only be in his wedding, but to officiate it. I can't really tell you what it feels like to have a close friend say, "Hey man, will you perform my wedding." I'm going to have to check with the church to make sure I'm legally able to marry people. I'm pretty sure I am, because the church gave me a piece of paper with a gold seal-thingy on it. I think that makes it official. Unless there's a test. I didn't take a test. Maybe it's like getting your driver's license and there's a multiple choice exam.

Which of the following is a not a phrase included in traditional wedding vows:
a: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
b: What God has joined together, let no man tear asunder...
c: You may now kiss the bride...
d: If any man knows any reason why these two should not be joined, I mean, besides the obvious ones...

SIX TIMES IN SIX DAYS
Wednesday begins my trek of speaking six times in six days. Pastor Bill is out of town, on a Meditterean Cruise for his 30th wedding anniversary so I'm on the main stage this weekend. Pretty exciting. I'm preaching on Fear of Failure. Which is tough for me to speak on, since in my life I've only met unmitigated success. But lots of people I know are failures, and they're kind enough to lend me their stories. I'm also preaching tomorrow for First Wednesday, and Take2 has an Open-Mic Night Saturday night and a Worship night on Sunday. So this weekend will not be restful, but it will be fulfilling.

M-I-S-S You Much
I am in the mode of keeping track of Ohio State football recently, which makes me miss my old best buddy from high school, Eric. He and I used to watch the games on Saturday afternoons. I often watch the games alone and wish he were around to invite over. He would like my HDTV wide screen TV. I would even break out a box of Cheez-its for him. I also miss my pal Jonathan - who moved to Chicago to got to seminary - something fierce too. He and his wife added a dynamic to my wife and I's marriage that was life-giving and exceptionally healthy. Replacing that is like when the body shop has to repaint a part of your car. The color might be close, but it just isn't the same.


SCHOOL IS PISSING ME OFF
One thing I hate about my dual-job situation is when my school makes me do things like extra-trainings after school, or staff meetings at 2:45. My department head is very forceful and driven, and has this way of making you feel guilty when you don't do what she asks. You know what: I don't want to stay late to discuss what the 10th grade teachers are doing, in terms of common assessments. If that makes me "not a team player" then okay. I'm not a team player. I have two teams. And they're competing in the Playoffs for the trophy of Tieche's Time. There can only be one winner, and let me tell you, lady, it's not going to be after school meetings to discuss cross-department essay rubrics. I have better things to do.

NEW EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE
I went to Lacie.com and got a killer deal on a 250 GB external hard-drive. I got a refurbished one for only 99 bucks. That's like less than $.50 a GB. That's killer. Now I have more than enough room to store my vast iTunes collection of music. Thank goodness, because I was almost forced to go in and delete the less popular B-side tracks for Tiffany and Richard Marx and Bell Biv Devoe.

That.

Tha-that.

Tha-that girl's dope. (mmm-hmm)

That's all for now. Gotta jet.